"DADDY HAS TO GO AWAY"

20 May 2010

Today was one of my hardest days as a father - it was the day I had to fully in depth tell my beautiful daughter, Alyssa, that I was going away on a trip for a long time. I'd be deploying to Afghanistan for six months. She'll be three in August.

After work in D.C. I came home to eat dinner with Toni and Alyssa. When we finished up dinner, Toni left to go out with a few girlfriends from our church's MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. It was a night for Alyssa and I to spend time together, break the news to her and communicate as father and daughter.
The weeks leading up to this night I had told her little things about me leaving, but I don't think it ever fully sunk in - for her as well as for me. It wasn't real - yet.
During bath time, I started doing some explaining about leaving for Afghanistan and being away for a while. Still fresh on her mind, I had just come home from a two-week trip for Marine Week Boston, so she understands what it's like to have Dad gone. I could tell she was getting a little upset. After bath time, I put Alyssa in her pajamas and we headed downstairs. A while back we all attended a Sesame Street show geared toward military families on Andrews Air Force Base. Each family received a DVD set with the characters that told a story about deployments. Alyssa and I would watch that tonight for the first time.

Cozy in the finished basement, we dimmed the lights, snuggled on the futon and popped in the disc. The basis of the story was Elmo's father leaving on a long trip. All the little talks we had started to sink in for her as she watched the different emotions her furry red friend faced and expressed. Reality was now sinking in. At times it seemed like she was purposely moving a laying away from me in defense. (That could also be me over analyzing her).
If you were watching, you'd probably see my eyes starts welling up before Alyssa's (most have told me deployments are harder on the parents than the children - I didn't believe them, but I'm fast reconsidering). Elmo and his father talked on the computer, wrote letters and said goodnight to the moon each night. It was good for Alyssa to see all the ways we could stay connected. By the end of the 30 minutes we were both hugging kissing and, yes, crying. I wasn't sure how much she would understand, but she understood enough - we were about to go through something tough.

Also within the film Elmo and his father exchange something special. I had an idea. We went upstairs and I sat her on our bed and I gave her my woodland boonie cover. I told her that she could wear it whenever so she could remember me. She started crying and was hesitant to take it - I think because she understood what it meant. I then gave her something special that was between Toni and I when I went off to Iraq in 2003. We had a medallion that on one side had the Marine Corps emblem and the other the words: "The Lord watch me and thee while we are apart." It was split in two and placed on two chains. Now each of us would have a side and when I returned the necklace would be complete again, much like our family. She really liked it.

It's funny because I think she and I grew much closer that night. In between the hugs, kisses and cries she would hold me and tell me things I never heard: "I'm going to miss you Daddy. I don't want you to leave. I love you so much." It seem liked every time she reached over and place herself in my arms I'd lose it. I guess I didn't realize how much I'd miss her when we were separated.

So when I'm out there in the middle of nowhere missing my wife and little girl - this too shall pass.

And to Alyssa: "I love you too....."